Another treatment under my belt, can't say it is getting any easier. I am logical enough to know that I have to go to get better, but it is getting harder and harder to actually show up for chemo. I talked to the doc yesterday and he did suggest taking a Valium right when I wake up on Monday mornings. I guess this is about the time that most patients seem to get a little anxiety-ridden. Good to know I am not alone! Blood tests are good, what they expect apparently. I have a PET scan next Thursday the 31st in Billings. My treatment after that will be on June 5, which is another Tuesday. At that apt. I will find out the results of the scan. I believe at that time we will decide whether treatment goes on an extra 2 months or if I am done the end of July. I am bracing myself for the longer treatment, knowing how crappy I will feel by the end of it. I just want the cancer to be dead and gone. I think it is really sinking in lately that I am sick. I am trying to keep my spirits up, and it is a whole lot easier on the off weeks. The weeks I feel good I try to cram all the life in that I can. Speaking of cramming life in, Puerto Rico was really amazing. Although Summer has never been my favorite time of year, I can see living a Tropical life. I guess I have never been somewhere hot with an ocean before. It was just what we needed.

Summer is here and things are getting very busy. How will I ever have time for Dr. visits? We are off to Dubois, WY this weekend for 2 nights. It will be fun to get the kids out of town. I should start feeling better by Friday so all will be good for the weekend I am sure. Clint is doing a great job of taking care of me and the boys and the business. I know that it is really hard on him to see me having such a hard time. I feel like a manic-depressive person. I have these great weeks where my life is what I have been thinking it should be like for years, then these weeks where running to Wal-Mart to get a gallon of milk is more than enough to wear me out. It sucks, cancer just sucks. But, if any of you out there get it or get sick in any way, I swear to you that I will try to be as wonderful to you as you have been to me. I have amazing people in my life and I feel very lucky. And to those of you who made my house sparkle while we were gone, thank you. I didn't know how great it would be to come home to a clean house.

Until next time...

Yesterday was treatment #6, which should be the half-way point. Should being the key word. The Dr. told me yesterday that after the next treatment (May21) I will have another PET scan in Billings. After that, we will decide if 6 Cycles (1 cycle=2 treatments) will be enough or if we have to go for an additional 2 cycles, basically 2 more months of chemo. Obviously I am hoping for a good scan that shows very little tumor activity. I was upset at the thought of going through this for 2 more months, but I know I have to do whatever it takes to get better. I think I just need to start preparing myself for that possibility, and be grateful for modern medicine. Otherwise, my blood tests were all good again. Treatment went well, and I am completely exhausted! I think I could sleep 20 hours a day! I have loads of help with Dane and I am so thankful for all of you helping out. Physically, the weeks of treatment are draining and emotionally draining as well. But, at about day 8 I start to feel better and really I am more energetic than I have been in years. It feels so good to feel good again. By Monday morning, anxiety is hitting and I am more nauseous between 8am and treatment time than I am after the chemo. I guess just the thought of getting pumped with poison is not a great thing for me. But, I know that I want to live so I will continue this fight.

Clint and I leave for Puerto Rico on Tuesday. I am looking forward to some time relaxing and rejuvenating. Clint needs a break from his reality, too. I think these have been the hardest 10 months of my entire life. I know that life is never easy, but surely it will get a little less insane. And when that finally does happen, I will stop and take a breath and be happy in that moment.