Another treatment under my belt, can't say it is getting any easier. I am logical enough to know that I have to go to get better, but it is getting harder and harder to actually show up for chemo. I talked to the doc yesterday and he did suggest taking a Valium right when I wake up on Monday mornings. I guess this is about the time that most patients seem to get a little anxiety-ridden. Good to know I am not alone! Blood tests are good, what they expect apparently. I have a PET scan next Thursday the 31st in Billings. My treatment after that will be on June 5, which is another Tuesday. At that apt. I will find out the results of the scan. I believe at that time we will decide whether treatment goes on an extra 2 months or if I am done the end of July. I am bracing myself for the longer treatment, knowing how crappy I will feel by the end of it. I just want the cancer to be dead and gone. I think it is really sinking in lately that I am sick. I am trying to keep my spirits up, and it is a whole lot easier on the off weeks. The weeks I feel good I try to cram all the life in that I can. Speaking of cramming life in, Puerto Rico was really amazing. Although Summer has never been my favorite time of year, I can see living a Tropical life. I guess I have never been somewhere hot with an ocean before. It was just what we needed.

Summer is here and things are getting very busy. How will I ever have time for Dr. visits? We are off to Dubois, WY this weekend for 2 nights. It will be fun to get the kids out of town. I should start feeling better by Friday so all will be good for the weekend I am sure. Clint is doing a great job of taking care of me and the boys and the business. I know that it is really hard on him to see me having such a hard time. I feel like a manic-depressive person. I have these great weeks where my life is what I have been thinking it should be like for years, then these weeks where running to Wal-Mart to get a gallon of milk is more than enough to wear me out. It sucks, cancer just sucks. But, if any of you out there get it or get sick in any way, I swear to you that I will try to be as wonderful to you as you have been to me. I have amazing people in my life and I feel very lucky. And to those of you who made my house sparkle while we were gone, thank you. I didn't know how great it would be to come home to a clean house.

Until next time...

Yesterday was treatment #6, which should be the half-way point. Should being the key word. The Dr. told me yesterday that after the next treatment (May21) I will have another PET scan in Billings. After that, we will decide if 6 Cycles (1 cycle=2 treatments) will be enough or if we have to go for an additional 2 cycles, basically 2 more months of chemo. Obviously I am hoping for a good scan that shows very little tumor activity. I was upset at the thought of going through this for 2 more months, but I know I have to do whatever it takes to get better. I think I just need to start preparing myself for that possibility, and be grateful for modern medicine. Otherwise, my blood tests were all good again. Treatment went well, and I am completely exhausted! I think I could sleep 20 hours a day! I have loads of help with Dane and I am so thankful for all of you helping out. Physically, the weeks of treatment are draining and emotionally draining as well. But, at about day 8 I start to feel better and really I am more energetic than I have been in years. It feels so good to feel good again. By Monday morning, anxiety is hitting and I am more nauseous between 8am and treatment time than I am after the chemo. I guess just the thought of getting pumped with poison is not a great thing for me. But, I know that I want to live so I will continue this fight.

Clint and I leave for Puerto Rico on Tuesday. I am looking forward to some time relaxing and rejuvenating. Clint needs a break from his reality, too. I think these have been the hardest 10 months of my entire life. I know that life is never easy, but surely it will get a little less insane. And when that finally does happen, I will stop and take a breath and be happy in that moment.

Tuesdays prove to be just like Mondays...

Well, it is now Wednesday the 25th. It has taken me a while to be able to write this without sounding completely pathetic. I found out yesterday that the CT showed the cancer has shrunk but it is not gone. Yes, that is good news. What was the size of a grapefruit is now the size of a small orange. So, progress. If you know me at all, you know that just isn't good enough. They told me in the beginning that the big tumor could be gone within a few treatments, so obviously that is what I was hoping for. I don't want OK test results, I want great results. My blood counts indicate a bacterial infection so I am on antibiotics. I started getting a cold last week and it hit pretty hard on Sunday night. I am sure that is part of why I am extra tired this time around. I am very disappointed and I feel completely betrayed by my body. How could my body let me down like this? I absolutely hate this. I can't take care of my kids and I feel like I am a spectator of my own life. I know it is temporary but it feels like forever. So there you have it. I know I am going to get better, I am just getting tired of being tired. I want it to be over but I have quite a ways to go so I better just buck up and get with the program! I took today to be alone and it has been good for me. Hoping tomorrow will bring a little more energy my way, but I would probably over-do it and pay for it later anyway. I really am ok, I am just frustrated. The sun is calling my name, so I better go take in some rays. Tomorrow will be a better day.

#4

As seems to be my pattern, all of my blood tests came back great. I still don't really know what the numbers mean, but the ones that we want to go up are going up and the ones we want to go down are going down. Clint came this morning and I kicked his @#* at Yahtzee. I get pretty anxious by about 2 hours into treatment and I just want out of there. Today was #4 of 12, so I am 1/3 done with Chemo. Yah! I am having a CT scan on Friday to see if we are shrinking the tumors. Those results will be back for my next treatment, which is on TUESDAY, yes, TUESDAY, April 24. After that we will go back to Monday treatments. I am very excited/nervous to get those results back. I have to believe that it is working, the other option is just not an option.

Clint and I have been wanting to take a trip together and we have booked it. We are going to Puerto Rico in May for a quick sun, sand and casino getaway. Waiting is just killing me. My passport expires in June so we had to go get another stamp!

I got some really great gifts for my birthday, so thank you to all. The tulips were beautiful, steaks were delicious, music was great, and all the countless niceties are and were really great. Thank you to everyone, and someday I will be back to being in touch with you on a different level. Connie K, please send Mary my best wishes. I am thinking about her, and hoping for a speedy recovery. Jellyfish!

Hope you all had a great Easter!

Another Monday...

It is Monday night after my third treatment and I am feeling pretty beat. Treatment went well today. Some of my medications were decreased, because I am feeling pretty good. The steroid that is the anti-nausea and the Neulasta which stimulates white blood cells were both cut in half. Hoping to continue to feel good. My friends came with again, as Clint is in Reno gambling away the kids college money. Barb told me that I got cancer because I drink too much Diet Coke, obviously joking. When we got out my nose had this extreme sunburnt feeling again, which lasted about 15 minutes at the most. Did it last time, too, so I need to remember to ask about that next time. Whoever comes with me next time please remind me! I got some beautiful flowers today from Ma Keller, thank you so very much. They sure do brighten up this house. Having fun with Lisa and the kids. Ruby and Dane fight worse than siblings, it is clear that they are related even if not by blood. Jessie brought some great salads for lunch and we lounged around outside in the sun all afternoon. So far, so good. Having a bit of a hot flash so I am off to find an ice pack! Hair is still hanging in there. Jess told me tonight that my pony tail is getting smaller and smaller so I shouldn't wear it up like that anymore. He wants to pick out a scarf for me to wear. I am ready to start wearing them because the texture of my hair is so off that it is just impossible. Every day is a mediocre hair day! I have really gorgeous scarfs to start showing off! More when it seems relevant.

It is now Wednesday before my third treatment and I am feeling pretty good. The last treatment went as planned. It appeared all my blood tests came back good enough to continue treatment. My friends came with this time. After it was over I did have this very strange burning sensation in my face but it didn't last very long (15 minutes or so). We left for South Dakota right after that. By WEdnesday I was pretty tired and Thursday I was really tired. I don't seem to get nauseous, I just get a really disgusting metalic film in my mouth. By Saturday I was feeling good again, just in time for our trip to be done! Clint is going to Reno with some friends this weekend. My sister Lisa is coming from Washington with her two kids on Saturday. Should be loads of fun. I still have my hair, although it is driving me crazy! It is really thinning and I seem to find it all over the place. I think I am going to get it cut short, see if I can handle the thinning better if the strands coming out aren't so long. The itching in my legs is gone, that is a huge bonus. Otherwise, not much has changed. Take care all.

It has been 10 days since my first treatment and things are going just fine. I get tired, but that is how I have been living for so long that it seems normal to me. I have not had terrible side effects yet. To me, it feels a lot like being pregnant. Not horrible, just kind of blah. My next treatment is on Monday. As soon as it is done, the boys (all 4) and I are heading to Rapid City for Spring Break. We should be back on Saturday the 17th. Probably no updates until after that, so for all of you curious ones out there, you will have to wait. I am feeling strong, still very confident. I have tons of support and I am grateful for you all.